I must apologize for my last blog. I was having a down day and was discouraged. I don't exactly know if I can explain what I was feeling. I think I lost sight of God and allowed Satan a small foothold in my life. That was not a pleasant experience. When we lose sight of God we lose sight or love, goodness, forgiveness and hope. That is not a happy existence, living without God. I don't think I have ever truly been without God. I can't imagine what it is like to be a non-believer. What is it like to not know God, to not know where you are going for eternity or to not believe in eternity? How do you give yourself a purpose or who provides your purpose if there is nothing after this.
God be with those who do not believe. Heal their unbelief. Show them You and Your glory. God, I can not and do not want to imagine life without You. God, thank You for what You have done in my life. Continue to do a great, miraculous work in me. It has to be a miracle because if I was left to myself I would be sunk deep into sin. I have enough trouble even with You because of my nature as a human. Thank You.

What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
What can make me stop doing that sin? I don't know.

Repeat

Mistakes, mistakes. They keep happening. I am hung up on the same mistake. I keep making it over and over again. I tell myself to stop and sometimes I manage it for a while. Then it comes back. I've tried many things and I don't know what to do. I have tried praying and giving myself something if I don't fall prey to this sin and other things. There is only one more thing I can think of and I have convinced myself that this will not work any more than the other things I've tried. Am I lying to myself because I'm scared to try this option (telling someone what I am doing) or have I just reminded myself of the truth? Am I afraid of what will happen if someone finds out? And what happens if it doesn't work but now I've told someone and they look down on me because of it? I don't think I would take it and besides that who would I tell. God why haven't you stopped this? I asked You to stop it. I gave you permission. I withheld myself from it. I made a deal that if I didn't do that than I could do something else. Okay so that wasn't really a reasonable promise. Although I never said You had to do that if I stopped.
Just so readers know, I told myself that if I stopped I would allow myself to date if anyone asked. If I continued and someone asked then I would have to say no. The problem is no one asks. I'm nearly 18 and I've only been asked out 2 times. One technically didn't even ask me out on a date it just was an iffy situation. Besides I didn't like either of those guys. They were not right and the last one asked me when I was 14 I was to young. My view on dating is that it should be done with the intent of marriage. So there is no point in dating young because all your going to do is hurt yourself.
Any way so that little trick of promising myself a treat didn't work. But now I feel lost and unsure. I don't want to keep doing this but when it comes knocking at my door I can't seem to resist. It's not even that pleasurable and yet I can't stop! I don't know which way to turn. I don't know which voice belongs to me and which belongs to God and which belongs to the devil. I'm sure all three are there but I can't distinguish between them, I need help but who can help me. I don't want to place an unwanted burden on someone else but I have to tell someone. God, please help me!