Monday, March 2, 2009


Mistakes, mistakes. They keep happening. I am hung up on the same mistake. I keep making it over and over again. I tell myself to stop and sometimes I manage it for a while. Then it comes back. I've tried many things and I don't know what to do. I have tried praying and giving myself something if I don't fall prey to this sin and other things. There is only one more thing I can think of and I have convinced myself that this will not work any more than the other things I've tried. Am I lying to myself because I'm scared to try this option (telling someone what I am doing) or have I just reminded myself of the truth? Am I afraid of what will happen if someone finds out? And what happens if it doesn't work but now I've told someone and they look down on me because of it? I don't think I would take it and besides that who would I tell. God why haven't you stopped this? I asked You to stop it. I gave you permission. I withheld myself from it. I made a deal that if I didn't do that than I could do something else. Okay so that wasn't really a reasonable promise. Although I never said You had to do that if I stopped.
Just so readers know, I told myself that if I stopped I would allow myself to date if anyone asked. If I continued and someone asked then I would have to say no. The problem is no one asks. I'm nearly 18 and I've only been asked out 2 times. One technically didn't even ask me out on a date it just was an iffy situation. Besides I didn't like either of those guys. They were not right and the last one asked me when I was 14 I was to young. My view on dating is that it should be done with the intent of marriage. So there is no point in dating young because all your going to do is hurt yourself.
Any way so that little trick of promising myself a treat didn't work. But now I feel lost and unsure. I don't want to keep doing this but when it comes knocking at my door I can't seem to resist. It's not even that pleasurable and yet I can't stop! I don't know which way to turn. I don't know which voice belongs to me and which belongs to God and which belongs to the devil. I'm sure all three are there but I can't distinguish between them, I need help but who can help me. I don't want to place an unwanted burden on someone else but I have to tell someone. God, please help me!

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