Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year Reminiscence

I have spent so much of my time waiting for what would come next. Waiting for the next big event to happen; 13th birthday, 16th birthday, start driving, but now I can't believe time is passing so quickly. I'm beginning to fear that I will wake up one day and be old, gray and feeble and still waiting for something bigger. Afraid that maybe I am going to waste my life waiting wishing for more. I feel so inadequate. How can I accomplish anything? I'm not enough, I can't stop making the same mistakes, I can't seem to get anywhere. What have I done with the years that have been given me?
Is this all God has for me? I feel like I'm missing something, but I don't know what and I don't know where to look. I know God has more for me I just don't know what to do to until then. Am I to be forever waiting? "Be still and know that I am God."Psalm 46:10 "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me..."Psalm 138:8 But what happens when your still and you cannot discern His voice? What happens when you feel every time you try to change you go back to the same addiction and it hurts you time after time? How is that fulfilling God's purpose? Some days I know God is there and I feel Him. I can practically see Him. I have cried with joy in the presence of God and yet at this moment I can't seem to find Him.
The new year. 2009. These mile markers don't mean what they used to. I don't know what they mean to me now. At the moment I am feeling lost and afraid. I have made mistakes in my life and the have separated me from God. I have made this mistake so many times and I can't seem to defeat it. I don't know what the next step is. I know I don't want to be doing this the rest of my life. I want to find my way out of this mess. No, I have tried that. I want God to come and rescue me. I want Him to be my Savior. I want Him to be the love of my life. I'm tired of failing because I don't want to do things His way.
Now we come to the next thing. Can He be trusted with me, my life, my relationships, my ways, my reputations, my dreams? Or maybe a better way of putting it is; am I willing to give up those things to allow God a place in my life? Am I willing to give Him control and truly obey His leadership? This is the point where I always seem to get messed up, where I start slipping back to what I used to be like. I am afraid God is going to ask something of me that will hurt me, that will embarrass me, and I don't even know what else. Can I trust that everything God asks me to do will actually work out for the best and not just make a fool of me?

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